


Sparkles of happiness

by johnnyismyparrot



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 8 years age difference, M/M, POV Suh Youngho | Johnny, Sub!Jaehyun, a little of blood, dom!johnny, introspective, johnny dad, mark haechan and jisung are children, mentions of dead character, mentions of homophoby, side!luten, side!yuwin, they can eventually switch, vanilla sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:14:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23910646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnnyismyparrot/pseuds/johnnyismyparrot
Summary: He'd choke on his coffee if he'd been drinking, maybe he never saw a boy with paler skin, tighter arms and chest, so well shaped he seemed to be a Bernini's sculpture, the older man's eyes are amused, but he doesn't dare to stare at his face, it would be too much of a brave for him, so he just ends up taking off his heavy glasses, he takes his time to give him all of his attention, his papers heavy in his ends, the need to finish his work due to go spend some time with his children."Good afternoon Mr.Suh! I'm the new apprentice, we were scheduled to meet at 3:00 pm, but you didn't show, so I thought about you having issues and came here, I'm sorry for intruding in your work."
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 24
Kudos: 151





	1. From the bottom

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is johnnyismyparrot (what a name, i have problems), here it is my first work on this platform, I'm not very sure it's the best I can do, I'm trying something new since English isn't my first language, I hope it'll be pleasurable for you to read about it!

He never looked more tired then this, his reflection seems like he’s telling him to stop being so neglective on himself, but he doesn’t listen, just keep doing what he’s used to do every morning.  
Razor on the skin, fast shower and clothes on.  
Breakfast ready he goes to call for his babies, they’re sleepy and needy so early in the morning and he smiles, just smiles while they get off the beds and let their papa wash them, to get ready for school. He’s tired as hell, but doesn’t have the guts to tell the little ones, so he just keeps going.  
His children have always been just a little chaotic in the morning, they couldn't choose their clothes because "daddy is better at dressing us up", so he'll just go with the flow as he usually always do, it's not simple sometimes, most of the time work gets on his nerves and keeps him awake till late night, cause he needs to earn money due to have something to put on their plates the evening.

 _Go with the flow_ , he repeats _, just go and keep going_ , but it's hard, day by day it just gets worse and he can feel his back hurt more than ever.

He sighs so loudly that his coworker gifts him a look, he can say the man is concerned for his mental health, but who can stand that pity look on his face?  
"John, your face sucks, really dude."  
"Thank you for noticing." he blandly replies while rolling his eyes and setting his papers on the desk, stretch his arms up in the air and get off his seat, feeling his body completely sore from the time he spent sitting on his ugly ass chair.  
"You should get a babysitter, really, how many hours do you sleep at night?"  
  
Ten's voice keeps testing his patience, he can be so damn loud and annoying, even tho he knows this is just because he's concerned. Johnny's nerves are not having it at all, feeling the tiredness get all over him, till the point he stopped coming to work with his car, because scared he would get involved in a car crash. It's all well written in his tired face, but he keeps denying that this is getting out of his hand.  
  
"Four? Maybe three, depends if Mark can sleep well, he got a bad insomnia lately."  
"Maybe he feels concerned as well" Yuta's voice comes from his shoulders and has to make him turn to see the red-haired guy staring at him with a bright smile, the Japanese boy always radiate brightness and chilling vibes, Johnny'd die to feel like him just for a day or two.  
"Mh.. I think that too, he keeps telling me to go home earlier... They're the only children to stay at school so late, I feel like a shitty dad every time that happens."

He shuts after saying too much, he knows that's not his fault, being a single dad isn't easy, not when you have three children and they all need their attention. Mark is the elder, but he's only 8 years old, he can't rely on that little boy so much, the kid already helps him a lot more than he should and the American boy just feel so guilty to see how his son is getting the stress from him.

"You're not a shitty dad, John. You know that's not your fault." Ten's voice hits his head like a truck, he's right, even tho he can't blame others if not himself for being so stupid and so low self-conscious.  
"Ten's right, you know that you can rely on us if you need help, Sicheng loves your babies he'd die to spend some time with them, you don't need to do this alone."

He'd cry now probably, cause knowing people so nice it's so out of context to him, whose choices in friendship and love always sucked to the point he ended up alone and preferred it to everyone. His hand flies to the back of his hair, scratching a little, trying to keep his composure, while the shorter boys look at him with a little of hope, John ends up nodding and the happy noises weren't unexpected by the two boys in front of him, but get him reassured and a little less stressed.

___________________________

Late that evening he just finds himself sitting on the couch with Mark on his lap, arms around his papa's neck and face shove into his shoulder, John keeps massaging the kid's back and reassure him, cause the little child cried out loud for the past 10 minutes when he got to see his daddy earlier today, so happy to be with him that he couldn't hold his tears back and is now getting rest, dry tears on his puffy cheeks.

"Mark's the most affectionate," Ten says with a sweet voice, while rocking the little one between his arms "Jisungie always sleep a lot, he's not a nuisance like this little brat here!"

John's lips curves while watching at his 2 years old boy in Ten's arms, then moves his gaze to look at his most energetic child, Donghyuck is just a ball of energy, love, and laugh, he likes so much to play that Yuta and Sicheng got tired after 30 mins spent trying to catch him from hide and seek.

"You're right, he's full of energy!" the four years old jumps on Yuta's lap and laugh his lungs out after what he said and the red-haired boy just grab him and tickles that little mess in his arms, Sicheng look at his boyfriend with a look that John knows way too well and thinks about suggest some hints to his co-worker before after. Marks huffs a little in his arms and lifts his head, scratches his eyes before a smile creates on his lips like he's seen the most beautiful thing in the world and maybe his dad just feel too much treasured by his little boy by looking at his lovingly eyes.

"Dad comes home earlier because I asked too?"

John doesn't know at all how to reply, because this is a special day and he wouldn't get to do it every time, he cups his kid's cheek in his hand and give it a light squeeze, a lovely smile appears on the older face, he ends up nodding while look at his best boy: "Sure, dad wanted to make you happy, you're happy now right?" the little boy nods way too feverish and just grab a laugh out of his dad's lungs "Dad is happy too if Markie is happy, but you know it can't be every day, right?"

He can see the exact moment when his words hit the boy who glooms silently in his arms, strong hands caress his little arms between them, the older lips leaving light and sweet kisses all over the baby's face.

"Dad will come earlier anytime he gets to, promise."

His heart breaks in half when Mark sneeze a little but nods, because he's a strong boy and he can handle not to see his dad, his guilty feelings growing up in his chest and he can feel the others stare at them, so he ends up putting his son on the couch and standing up, not in time to see the other ball running to him happily.

"Daddy can we have pasta for dinner?" the bright eyes make his heart melt, as much as the little hands wrapped around his leg that get then spread on the hair waiting for his dad to grab him, and he does, John does as his sons request him and can hear a disapproved sigh from one of his friends.

"John, you don't have to spoil them just because you can't be at home all the time." Sicheng isn't the kind of person to speak when he isn't allowed to, not that he needs permission to, he just doesn't like to talk when it's unnecessary and John's back head would love to snap at him, but he knows he's right, his guilty taking over him.

The Chinese boy walks to him, mimicking to Donghyuck to come to him and the little one does, with a bright smile on his chubby face.

"What did Hyuck eat at lunch today?"  
"Not pasta!"  
"Are you sure? You can't lie to daddy, he's going to give everything is needed to you without lying, you know that? Daddy loves you all a lot."

Donghyuck faces seem so guilty now, he ends up pouting and put out this lower lip with watery eyes, he turns to his daddy, with that look on his face that John can't resist every time he watches it.

"Hyuckie ate pasta today..."

John fake a shocked look and then a pout that has the four years old run to him and grab his leg, shoving his face on the fabric of his home clothes and babbling about not saying lies never again to his daddy cause he doesn't wanna see daddy sad.  
John's heart just melt and can't do anything but thank Sicheng, who just smiles back and get back at his space between Yuta's legs.  
Dinner isn't that long with his friends helping him out with the kids and he feels a little sad when they leave, but understand, cause it's already eight in the evening and it's time to rest.

___________________________

It was a peaceful dinner, one week later the evening spent all together and John got to feel more relaxed these past few days, but suddenly all his stress got back all over him after Donghyuck spoke: "Daddy, where's our mommy?"

His muscles tense up as if he's about to panic, his breathe shudders and has to try to compose himself back, but his lungs don't have it at all and he ends up spasming a little, his reaction shocks the poor boys, Mark stands up to fast speed to his dad, taking his hands in his little ones and staring at him with a worried look on his face: "Dad? Dad please..."

John never got the chance to talk about it and he didn't expect it to hit him so suddenly, he breathes through his nose, in and out a lot of times before lightly squeezing Mark's hands to tell him to let it go, the little boy look at him worried, but let go his hands and get back to his seat.

Donghyuck gaze is half worried half confused and John as to fake his smile, while regaining a little of his lost composure and starts talking, his heart that aches in his chest, as if being stabbed multiple times in a row.

"Do you remember when daddy told you that people will leave one day?" how do you explain to a four years old what death is? How do you explain to him that his beloved mom was taken away by a psychopath one night when she was on her way back home.

Donghyuck nods just one time before his dad keeps going: "Mom was the same, she left, but not because she didn't love you or me, she loved us so so much baby boy, she loved us more than everything."

"Then why she left?"

"Because someone took her away, sunshine." his words are like a whisper and he can see his son being confused, it let it get worked on his head and he's able to see when it hits the child, tears start to gather in the angles of his eyes and the cry that broke from his lungs is so pure that John's heart aches so bad, he rushes to his son, embrace him and let him cry his eyes out on his shirt, face still dirty from the meal, but it doesn't matter. He knows as well that Mark is holding back his tears because he can't handle to see his little brother cry like that, Hyuck isn't the kind of child that cries often, he doesn't cry at all, always been a little sunshine, his crying sessions are the most hurting to the dad's heart, cause he knows that there are real reasons to him to let his tears drop as waterfalls.

Jisung, who was tucked in his little blanket on the couch starts crying as well hearing his older brother crying, Mark goes to his two years old brother, rocking and petting him in his arms and John's never been more grateful to his elder son for being so caring to the others, even tho he's the most sensitive of all the three of them, he's always so considerate so his little brothers that his dad always praises him when he gets the chance to.

His sons don't get the chance to see their mother by two years now, Jisung was 2 months old when she got assassinated, John freaked out when she didn't get home from her "baby shopping session", he called the police tons of times to tell them he couldn't rush into the streets searching for his wife cause they had 3 sons to take care of, the cops just told him to keep quiet or the kids would be scared and that they'd find her, but when they found her the scene was horrible, her body was in a pool of blood, disfigured by the knife, abused multiple times, he can feel like throwing up when he thinks about it again and again and again through the night.

When the new was sent he needed to keep himself together, not even once cried in front of his sons, telling them that mommy was on a work trip and acting like nothing happened, it worked well for Donghyuck, who was just 2 years old at that time, but Mark was confused day by day, asking his dad why mom wasn't calling them not ever once, the boy stressed himself out till the day his dad embraced him and told him the truth, it isn't hard to see Mark cry, he's really sensitive of what happens around him, but at that time he didn't cry at all, he looked at John's and asked: "Why dad doesn't cry?"

That was the time when he broke, he broke in million pieces in front of his son, the first time he let himself cry like a baby, because all the pain he had on his shoulders was graving so much that at one point he couldn't take it anymore.

The throwback is enough to let him come back to reality, his sons asleep on the couch, Donghyuck still in his arms, sleeping so peacefully that he smiles, this tired man smiles while looking at his creatures, but at the same time, he starts to think about them, about how maybe they'd feel safer by spending more time with him, with his dad.

He found the resolution to his problems the day after, when a young and gorgeous boy enters their floor of work, passing through the multiple desks, before he stops in front of John's ones and the boy starts staring at him, getting his wanted attention after one minute of incessant staring, light smile that let his dimples show. He'd choke on his coffee if he'd been drinking, maybe he never saw a boy with paler skin, tighter arms and chest, so well shaped he seemed to be a Bernini's sculpture, the older man's eyes are amused, but he doesn't dare to stare at his face, it would be too much of a brave for him, so he just ends up taking off his heavy glasses, he takes his time to give him all of his attention, his papers heavy in his ends, the need to finish his work due to go spend some time with his children.

"Good afternoon Mr.Suh! I'm the new apprentice, we were scheduled to meet at 3:00 pm, but you didn't show, so I thought about you having issues and came here, I'm sorry for intruding in your work."

John's jaw goes slack, he fucking forgot about the new apprentice that'd come to visit his work floor from today, he's the one in charge to teach him and he's so annoyed right now that all this guy's beauty just seems to bother him even more. A sigh leaves his lips while resting his back at the chair, even tho he has to admit that the little boy doesn't seem bothered at all, even after he got left alone in the upper room, if the boss finds out, he'll be fired. A shiver goes through his all body and that's enough to him to stop complain and start to work.

"I'm so damn sorry uh... Your name?"  
"I'm Jung Yoonoh."  
"Yoonoh, I'm so sorry, I was so focused on work I forgot, I even ignored the calls, I'm so so sorry, come here, sit next to me."  
The young boy does as said, sitting next to the man that left him alone for about a full hour, he feels like shit for being so self-centered, but in the end, it's for his sons' sake.  
"Do you know what we do on this floor? Do you know where to start?"  
"Yeah! I need to read and revisit every page of the chapter and be sure that the copy doesn't have typos or grammatical issues."  
"That's right, but it isn't easy, you need to bring 2 copies, one that you can scribble down and be sure is completely fine at the end of the day and the other that you can edit without making a mess, or at least that's how I do it."

John honestly feels like this is unnecessary, this kind of job doesn't need a real way to be taught, you just need to be a lot passionate and to gain a lot of patience too, the second one is lacking a little bit in his life lately.

"Okay, I got this."  
"Good, now I'll teach you some basics from the program we do use, so you're not gonna find yourself unprepared when you'll start to work on your papers."  
He's about to turn a little his computer before the boy starts to talk again and at this time the man's face lights up as if he's seen the light of a lighthouse in a dark sea: "But Mr.Suh, the boss told me to help you with your papers, I don't have mines."

He'd scream of happiness if he wasn't at work, the smile on his face can seem a little creepy for the ones who look at him outside the conversation, but Yoonoh doesn't seem amazed at all, he just keeps a friendly and easy-going face before taking the papers John left on the desk and starts reading them in silence.

"I can deal with it, Boss told me you're a little stressed out and thought about me helping you and you helping me."  
The American feels strange at his words, he doesn't remember Mr.Kim even caring about one of his employees before, even tho they're in good terms he didn't expect these words to be heard, the man stares at the boy for a little, as if asking for his permission to get home: "Mr.Suh, can I ask your phone number? And your e-mail, so that I can send you the work when it's complete?"  
"Yeah sure."

He doesn't think twice at all, he just gives the boy his number and get his stuff packed up, telling him to call if he needed and Yoonoh didn't reply, he just nodded with that slight beauty smile on his gorgeous face.

___________________________

Mark seems to be the happiest kid ever while he helps his papa out with the cooking, Donghyuck wrapped in his Spiderman blanket while watching cartoons and Jisung playing with his plushies, doing all that little noises that John learned to love through this 2 years alone with a newborn, it wasn't easy at all, Jisung was the most unable to take care of himself and he had his work, the man worked from home almost for six months, but on the seventh, his boss told him that it wasn't going to last longer, cause they needed him, one of their best employees and he couldn't be home alone anymore. It was painful at first, remembers clearly how he cried as if it was unbearable lo let go his little, little soul in someone else's arms, his trust issues shattered when his wife died.

How was her voice?  
How was her embrace?  
How was her body?  
He can't remember a single thing about her anymore.  
And it hurts from the bottom of his heart, it hurts so much but can't do anything about it anymore, the promise ring still in the place, while he's washing the dishes, hands calloused and ruined by his constant need to work and work and work.

Being a dad of three kids at twenty-eight years old isn't easy, he knows it, mostly because he has no one to rely on, his parents on the other part of the world and his wife's family who turned their back on him, on his wife's sons, he was shocked at first, when he called them multiples times, again and again, he cried alone in his bed, but he choose to be happy, every day, because of his little creatures, his kids needed him, with their cry, with their love and he gives, gives and gives, till the point he forgot how to take.

"Boys, what do you wanna watch before going to bed?"

His voice is calm, like honey when he talks to his kids, scratching the back of his head he switch the tv to Netflix and let the little ones choose while he picks up the younger ones, his dad instinct told him that he was already asleep and he wasn't wrong, the smile on the corner of his lips is enough to tell how much of a lovely parent he is.

John can remember exactly when Donghyuck got so talkative he needs to take some rest by giving him cookies, remembers the first steps of Jisung, his first words, that has been "dad" and "milk" and his heart split in half at the awareness that he never taught him to say "mom" and he didn't, he let things being this way, cause mom wasn't with them and learning it would make him suffer even more. The American boy tells himself that he's selfish, but it'd hurt so much he let it slip.

He turns on his baby control when he tucked the sheets, checking that his son his still asleep, coming back to the couch he keeps scrolling on his phone, he can see a message from the boy that afternoon, the text was short, but cute.

**[Yoonoh]  
20:30 work done! i'm the best boy! i hope it's all right.  
** _File attached_ **  
  
**

John doesn't have the guts to open it today, he needs some rest for the rest of the evening, most of all, he needs to take care of himself a little after tucking the kids to the bed.

___________________________

His hand keeps stroking, he goes from the base to the tip, palms open on the head of his cock, moans light on his lips, keeps biting on his lower lip while moving his hand harder now, computer on his left while listening to the girl moans. He didn't get the chance to get off for a while now, it's been two years since he slept with someone, his heart too weak to let it happen, struggling to the idea of cheating her, his beloved one, even tho she's not with him anymore.

He shivers under his touch, a sigh escaping his lips while his digits keep stroking his length, it's pleasurable, but not as much as he needed, the screen of his phone lights up and his sight switches from his computer to his phone, Yoonoh is texting him again and suddenly his mind flies to that beautiful human being, he's always been attracted to beautiful men, but the thought of jerking off to some younger boy never got to his head. Suddenly his hand goes faster, stroking himself harder and harder, the feeling builds up into his stomach while the image of that beautiful dimples open in his weak mind and a loud moan escapes from his parted lips.

Few more strokes are all it takes for him to spill on his hand, hot and sticky, his breath hitches while he's coming down from his orgasm, and his eyes open wide, looking at the wall in front of him.

"Fuck, what were you thinking about... for God's sake."

___________________________

His new assistant seems to be a workaholic and it helps him a lot with his stress to relieve, but at the same time he feels so guilty to begin thinking about his cute face that night one month ago, he barely avoids choking on his coffee while listening to Yoonoh's adventure in his hometown, that seems to be Jeju, last month he got there to help his grandma as he says, John's not really listening, he just keeps peeping at his face, his soft locks that get in his dark brown eyes and the complex structure of his long eyelashes. It takes him a lot not to sigh while his gaze keeps scanning this beautiful guy, those pink and plush lips of his and the ears that burn red when he's embarrassed, he learned this little particular when Yoonoh dropped his iced americano on John's lap and ruined his suit and got to wipe his crotch without thinking.

At the memory he shudders for a moment, it was hard not to think dirty about it, his mind fantasying in his own, now a little sigh escapes his lips while sipping at his coffee: "How old are you again? Can't remember."

The out of context makes Yoonoh brutally stop on his words and look at him confused for a while, lips parted and mind blindly trying to connect the two topics that seem not to fit at all, at the end he brushes his thoughts off and just answers: "I'm 21 sir."

"Ugh..." now he chokes on his damned coffee, looking at the boy while coughing "... omg, sorry, I swear... "  
"Are you okay?"  
"Sure, I'm okay, I thought you were a little older."  
"Do I seem older Mr.Suh?" the pout that's trying to appears on his lips makes John's knees weak, he'd take his cheeks in his hands and just caress him all the time, maybe scratching even his nape and he founds himself again daydreaming about something that shouldn't happen even with the possibility open.

"No, it's just unusual to see very young men here."  
"But you got employed at 19!"  
"I am unusual too."  
"So we're strange together ~"

The childish smile that appears on his gorgeous features makes the younger to his real age, John laughs a little with his lips closed around the straw and keeps drinking his coffee, turning his attention to his phone, a message from the elementary school parent's group, he's the only dad inside and has a lot of trouble trying to tag along with the other mothers.  
It happens that one of the kids is having a birthday party at his house the day after and he remembers his job shifts, ending up cursing under his breath, he begins to chew the poor straw while reading.

When he gets self-conscious that he's zoning out he returns his attention to the young man near him, what he didn't expect his Yoonoh's staring at his lips, John lets go of the straw and the boy just lift his eyes to meet his.

The older man can register the exact moment when Yoonoh's ears become red as a strawberry and his cheeks flush while his pupils dilate even too much, but even if he's embarrassed, even if he got caught on the fact, he keeps eye contact with John and the man just wonders what the actual fuck is happening in this moment, because they're staring in each other eyes and none of them seem to be interested in breaking the contact.  
_What game is he playing?_ John asks himself but they got bring back to reality when Ten interrupts their moment and he can see a glint on Yoonoh's eyes, as if that always sweet gaze suddenly switched to a mischievous one, maybe he's tired and started imagining things, that can't be true.

"Ten, I need you."  
"Oh God, I didn't even get to say hi."  
"Don't care, tomorrow Mark has a birthday party and I have my shift till 9 pm, can you and Yuta take care of them?"  
"Tomorrow I have a date with Lucas out of town, but I'm sure that Yuta and Sicheng can help John, I'm gonna ask him later" he feels relieved just by knowing that his friend is so mindful to him and feels his hand patting at his shoulder, the beautiful bright smile towards him "...So, is this coffee good?" Ten's attention drawn's from John to Yoonoh, who seems pretty surprised at the unexpected attention from the older.

A little giggle leave the boy's lips before nodding frantically and the Thai boy just smiles back, ordering his afternoon coffee: "Yoonoh, you're very quiet when it comes to strangers, but you got to talk to John so easily, I know he's an easy-go man, but I was wonderin-"  
"I admired him a lot." Yoonoh cuts off the older, a little bold of him maybe, but when John can look at him a little better he can see the red ears and gets to understand that he's just embarrassed again.  
A soft laugh leaves the older's lips, his hand reaches out Yoonoh's lock before messing a little his hair, smiling happily at the new confession.

"Thank you then."  
"You got some luck, boy!" Ten's laugh fills the bar while patting Yoonoh's shoulder as if he's complimenting him "So, why do you admire him for? His look?" John would love to punch him right now, but keep quiet and let it slip "Or his skills? Because they're both sick, I mean, he's sick and sick of him, but that's another story."  
Yoonoh giggles while listening then shakes his head: "A lot of things and most of all I think you're good friends."

"We indeed are, but he's so clingy you know!"  
Ten bursts into a laugh, followed by the younger, and John rolls his eyes before laughing himself, the atmosphere is sweet and makes them comfortable.

Later John asks Yuta to take care of his kids and he happily accepts the request to bring Mark to the party while Sicheng stays at home with Hyuck and Jisung.

___________________________

His back touches his chair, his arms stretched on top of his head and a yawn coming to his mouth so naturally that he can't get a hold on it and just let it happens, Yoonoh in next to him, he seems extremely sleepy and tired, they've been working on this project for a month now, and it was the last chapter of the book, they feel like someone dried their energy out of them, back and thighs sore from the time spent sitting on these uncomfortable chairs, not that they're so cheap at all, it's just that after 11 hours working on them, even a mattress would feel like a rock against their bones.

John is resting his head on the back of the chair now, closing slightly his eyes and not opening even when Yoonoh starts to talk.  
"I'm exhausted Mr.Suh..." he admits, his voice lower than usual and eyes closing on themselves, the younger crosses his arms on the desk before putting his head on top of them, sighing loudly "...can I ask something?"

The man opens one of his eyes, pointing his gaze to the boy next to him, he shrugs his shoulder before nodding: "Sure, go ahead."  
"Mh... Don't you have someone home to return to, Mr.Suh?"

John immediately tenses up hearing these words, a rush of anger brushing over him then it hits him, Yoonoh doesn't know at all, he can't be mad at a boy who doesn't know his story, it wouldn't be fair, even tho the question was a little too far ago, breaking some boundaries and crossing from lines through their only work-related relationship, he finds himself sighing and massaging his temples, before speaking.

"No, I don't have someone waiting for me at home."  
"But you talked about children, are you divorced?"  
The man raises an eyebrow to the sudden rush of curiosity by the younger, who's now look at him with the left side of his face on top of his crossed arms.

"My wife died."

John expects the younger to gasp, to apologize for the question, to shudder, to do something, some kind of reaction, he expects everything but not his arms wrapped around his neck, a show of affection that he didn't expect at all, that's why he's a little tense his Yoonoh's arms, but the warmth that comes from his body it's so comfortable that he lifts his arms, wrapping the younger waist and bringing him to himself more. He didn't hug someone for so long he kinda forgot how it feels, the only arms wrapped around his neck are the little ones from his sons, but this is different, a lot different of course, Yoonoh is a young and strong man, he's tall, not tall as him, but still, he's build up good and has strong arms, he's pulling this weak man in his arms as if he's done from gelatine and John's not used to it, he's not used to being in someone else's embrace, he's always been the one embracing, the strong one, the one who took care of the people around him and suddenly he feels weak, but in a relieving way.

This whole thing is out of his comfort zone, everything about Yoonoh is out of his comfort zone, he's way to blush at everything John says, his way to smile at him and the suddenly intrigued stares that he gives him, he's sure he even saw him licks his lips, but maybe that's all in his head, and it doesn't matter how many times he repeats to himself that this would be so wrong, he just can't think about it in a bad way, he wouldn't be able to handle it at all, but now, in his arms, in the complete silence of their office, being the only ones left inside, it feels like he's being sucked off his stress.

Yoonoh is the first one to let go, looking at the older with a glint of worry in his eyes, that John can understand is more about the sudden gesture than what he said before, but he smiles to the boy, sweetly and he can see Yoonoh melt in his knees for him, maybe he has a power that he didn't notice before and he can't lie telling that he doesn't like it at all, because he does.

"It's okay, that was... better than the 'I'm so sorry for you' thing, you know, that really sucks, as if them being sorry would help, tsk!"

Yoonoh giggles at his playful tone, talking about it lightly makes him feel a little more comfortable, as long as he can't think about it for too long it doesn't affect him at all, it's just that he's starting to accept it, or indeed, he already accepted it, it's just difficult to cooperate with all the thing he has to do and play along the cords of his life.

"I'm glad that you liked it, I was afraid to touch you before."  
"Do I seem so scary?"  
"No, you don't..." Yoonoh shakes his head with that sweet smile of his "...it's more that I feel like you put a line that I don't have to cross, as if I can't get closer to you."

John can't lie to himself, he did it, because he's kinda scared about how the boy affects his thoughts, maybe that night when he got off on him was still too vivid in the back of his mind and he ended up playing it along not to think about the younger in that way again, but that wasn't easy, it isn't easy when he's always so helpful, so caring, so cheering and so cute.  
Only God knows how much John loves cute things.

"I'm sorry for that, it's just that this is work, you know? And you can stop calling me Mr.Suh, I feel like a fucking 40 old man and I'm not, for now."  
"So I'm gonna call you John?"  
"Sure, I'm John to everyone here."  
"Then I wanna call you Johnny."

He finds himself at raising an eyebrow to him, he doesn't know if it's just himself, but it seems that the boy his trying to push a little too much, maybe trying to see where he can and can't go, how far he can say some things and how far he cannot.

So John waits, a little longer, letting the anxiety build up in Yoonoh's stomach, he can see it by his pupils that are trembling and his lower lip trapped in his thin teeth.

"Sure, it sounds good."

He can see the happiness filling up Yoonoh's body, the boy jumps up in his feet, packing away his stuff at the speed of light, thanking the older as if he did him a favor of a big matter and John giggles at the sudden feeling of happiness that fills the room.  
Yeah, Yoonoh just feels like happiness.  
The thought makes him numb for a moment, but he shakes it off his shoulders, starting to pack his things right after Yoonoh, following him to the exit.

___________________________

What he didn't expect was him on his couch with Yoonoh's head on his laps, his kids sleeping in their room and the quiet wrapping around them as a veil, Yuta took care of his kids while he worked late this night, he found his friend sleeping on the couch and sent him home after Sicheng come to pick him up, Yuta's been helpful with his late shifts at work and the kids begin to love him through the days.

The rain falls heavy and he can see it by the huge windows in his apartment, Yoonoh should be at his house but the boy doesn't own a car and the public transportation got suppressed because of a night strike, so he brought him home after learning the boy lived miles away and he was too tired to drive so long.

The steady breath of the young boy relaxes him, he fell asleep some minutes ago, John got to stare at him a little longer than he should, moving his hands through his soft locks smiling at the way the other does little cute noises while he sleeps.  
It's unusual to him, having someone over the night, he's not so used to have guests staying for so long, he feels a little insecure but can't take his eyes off the boy, with his hoodie on and his sweatpants, a baby in oversized clothes, this thought passes John's mind as a train and he feels hit like a truck by the sweetness they're too.

 _It's too intimate_ , the way the other curls his body next to him, the way he breathes lightly, _maybe it's too much_ , but he can't just brush it off now, until it's something safe, until it's not over the other lines he can stay like this, they can stay like this.

Waking up Yoonoh to take him to bed needs more effort than he thought and ends up helping the boy to walk up the stairs not to trip over his own feet, John finds him adorable while watching him curls up in the guestroom's bed, yawning softly and sleeping deep now.

"Good night Yoonoh."

___________________________

The more they work together, the more John becomes aware of Yoonoh's presence, he's more and more involved with the young boy, they spend most of their time together and Yoonoh sometimes even stops by John's house for the night being useful to both of them, Yoonoh is good at taking care of his boys and they seem to like him a lot, Hyuck in particular certainly developed a deep love for his dimples and the energy he has to follow him playing hide and seek in his big house.

It's been four months since their first meeting, embarrassing that was for sure, but Johnny, as Yoonoh likes to call him, can't hide the way his life is slowly changing for the better, he's more relaxed, a lot of his stress is relieved and he gets the chance to see his boy more often because his shifts are shorter with Yoonoh's help and even at home he can cook or just lay on the couch and play with the boys while the boy is in his house.

The man learned that the boy's been kicked out of his home after coming out as gay and had to find himself a job and a home, it wasn't easy, but he always smiled and the older barely been able to hold back his tears, cause he knows too well how does it feel to being left alone, to have to face every problem alone and it's heart wrecking to know that a boy that is 18 years old had to go through what he got through, cause he already had a work, he already had his own life, but like that he's sure Yoonoh suffered a lot.

That's why they help each other, the boy never asked again about Johnny's personal life, cause it was very painful to him and the boy never wanted to hurt him, so they keep their silence on that topic and just go with the flow of the days.

This evening John is lying on his couch, Mark is doing his homework, Donghyuck is playing on his dad's tummy and Jisung is near them, playing with his stuffed toy, making cute little noises that make his dad's heart melt.

"Jisungie, do you wanna give it to daddy?"  
"No! It's mine."  
"What about giving it to Hyuckie then?" the little boy looks up to his dad, then to his older brother, and shakes his head. "No? What about Mark then? He's always so good!"  
"No! It's mine... Don't wanna give daddy..." the younger voice keeps melting his weak hearing at his sweet sound.  
"Jisung is mean!" Donhyuck pouts hard and even crosses his arms, making the man laugh out loud in a lovely way, he doesn't smile often, he didn't notice this particular trait of him until Yoonoh told him, he doesn't smile often, that's true, but when he's near his children he just can't keep it, it comes out naturally.

"Yeah he's a little mean, but you're rude Hyuckie, you never let him play with your car."  
"He'll break it!"  
"No! I don'!" Jisung voice resonates for the entire living room, giggles coming from John, until he can hear Mark sighs loudly.

"What's wrong honey?"  
"Dad, I can't get it..."  
"Need help?"  
"Can you?"  
He doesn't reply at all, he just grabs the littlest one, putting him on the floor and let him run to the kitchen: "Give Bubu to Yoonoh!"  
"Jisung! I can't believe it! Traitor!"  
John and Mark burst into laugh seeing Donghyuck following his little brother to the kitchen while blaming that the little boy prefers to give his plushie Bubu to Yoonoh instead of him.

The man sits down near his son, scanning all the papers in front of him, with his arm wrapped around his small shoulders to make him comfortable, the smile that appears on his lips is pure and lets himself let a kiss on Mark's temple before grabbing a pencil.

"You've done great till now, I know you can do even better, this is easy, look at me."

The exercise isn't a difficult one, but it's eight in the evening and he's sure that the boy is a little tired, school is about to finish and has his little exams to go through before being free for the summer.  
It doesn't take long for him to comprehend what it is about and happily claps his hands when he can get the right answer.

"High five champion!"  
Mark giggles while reaching out his dad's hand and shoving his face on the older's neck, arms around it and body pushed near to him, he's being a little needy, but sometimes he needs this kind of attention and John is more than grateful to give him. He looks at his son with fond eyes before letting his fingers to scratch his nape and his back, getting cute little noises from him, knowing very well that these kinds of little gestures relaxes his son even way too much.

"I wanna be like dad when I grow up."  
This is sudden, he didn't see it coming, but the way his son it thighing his arms around his neck makes him aware that he's very serious about it.  
"You'll be even better than dad, you're my champion."  
"Dad, can I ask you something?" Mark rip off their contact to look at him and holds his dad's hands into his, while biting his lower lip.  
"Sure, go ahead."  
"What is ... Who is Yoonoh to you?"

This is even more sudden than the previous one, he caught him off guard and he isn't very sure what he's going to say to his son about it, he isn't very sure even himself to be able to say who is Yoonoh in is life, what role does he play, why is he always at his home. John doesn't have an answer, but his son his asking him to give it and he's out of words to tell him.

"Dinner is ready!"

It's Yoonoh's voice to put an end at their conversation.

___________________________

It's late-night, he's still half awake, his kids all tucked up in bed and even Yoonoh is supposed to be sleeping in his room, but maybe something is up with him, because when the door open and John immediately awakes, his dad instinct getting over his tiredness, he doesn't find his little boy on the door, but a big one, maybe even too big, looking at him with puffy eyes and messy hair, scratching at his eyes like a baby would and the man finds him so cute he can't handle him, how can a twenty-one years old, 6ft tall boy seem so little and small.

"What's wrong Yoonoh?"  
"I..." the boy seems not to find his words, Johnny can see his ears turn red even from here and a little breathy laugh leaves his lungs.  
"Have you had a bad dream?" the other nods frantically and the older pats the empty spot in his bed. "Come here big boy, really, how bad was it to make you come in my room?"  
"My parents."

Johnny nods at him, doesn't dare to say more when the boy lays down next to him and push his body into the older's embrace, he cuddles Yoonoh as he would do with his sons, scratching his nape and back, leaving little kisses on the top of his head while rocking a little, the noises that the boy makes are very similar to the kid's ones.

"Johnny..." he just hums in response. "...do you see me like one of your children?"

He feels a little frustrated at this point, he doesn't really know if it's the wrong day, but everyone seems to be in a good mood to ask him things he can't really get to answer to.

He thinks about it a little, Yoonoh isn't one of his children, it's obvious to him, but maybe not to the younger who's staring at him with curious eyes, he feels a little strange about it, because he suddenly remembers the night when he thought about his beautiful features to jack off and no, he can't see him as one of his kids, so he shakes his head at the question, giving him a little but sincere smile.

"No, I for sure don't see you like that." the answer seems to be in Yoonoh's likes because he's smiling happily at him, shoving his head on the older's neck.

_This is too close._

"I'm glad then..."

He doesn't have the time to ask him what that means, because Yoonoh falls asleep in his arms, face shoved in his neck and breath hitting his skin as if nothing is. Johnny suddenly is more than self-aware of the younger presence next to him, about how they're sleeping in the bed he only once shared with his wife and the way their legs interview more than they should. A little gasp lets his lips, he's scared, because Yoonoh is entering in his life in a way he didn't expect to, he's quiet, he walks on the tip of his feet and maybe John understands that the boy knows very well that he's walking on thin ice, but at the same time he keeps going, and going, he enters his life like this, with quiet and peaceful gestures and that beautiful smile of his.

Who is Yoonoh in his life?

He keeps questioning, but maybe he doesn't wanna know the answer, cause lately he's been happy, he's been relaxed and never been for too long, he doesn't even remember the last time he slept in someone's embrace just to relax and feel comfortable, he doesn't remember giving someone physical affection at all and he understands how much he's changed in these two years, the loud, shiny and easy-go man turned into a quiet and a little colder one, he doesn't want to blame himself, it just feels relieving to have someone he can be spontaneous with.

"And if that person is you..." a little yawn break from his lips, he tightens his grip around Yoonoh's body. "...I don' mind it at all."

He falls asleep before even realizing the smile that appeared on the boy's lips.

___________________________

It became a routine, to have Yoonoh around him for most of his life, both at work and in his personal life, Mark didn't ask again and just enjoyed his time with the young boy that set a place in their lives as if that was so simple to him that nobody noticed how far they relationship got into.

It's been two months from those questions, Yoonoh got the habit to walk in John's room while he's sleeping, the older got the habit to turn around when the weight made the bed sink beside his shoulders, wrapping his arms around the body next to him and let the younger rest in his embrace.  
Tonight isn't different at all, Yoonoh enters the room in silence and Johnny prepare himself to turn around, he wraps his arms around him and push him to his body, but tonight Yoonoh doesn't fall asleep right after, he keeps breathing steady and a little heavier, as if he doesn't really wanna sleep.

John keeps quiet, in the silence of the night, while the moon brights through the thick curtains and sets that slight light towards Yoonoh back, his silhouette defined under his sight, a little sigh escapes his lips watching at his hips covered just by that huge hoodie, maybe he's weak tonight, but he can feel a very touchable and dense atmosphere around them, both ready to say something, but both scared enough to keep the silence between them.

Yoonoh's lips parts, ready to let his voice fill up the silence, but not a sound escapes his lips, not a little noise can be heard and the older questions what's going on, he doubts if something happened, if there's something wrong.

"Johnny..." his voice hits like a breathtaking poison, he keeps his breath, looking at him in the eyes. "...can I kiss you?"  
His voice is raspy, it's low and extremely pleasurable, but the words are muffled and he didn't get it at first but when he understands he feels like the lines they traced were crossed.

Holding his breath isn't the best choice he ever made, Yoonoh stares at him now, eyes in eyes and he can clearly tell that he's blushing now with all his body.

 _This isn't right, this is wrong_ , so fucking wrong, he wants to tell him, to speak his words out, _I can't kiss you, I can't cause I'm scared, I can't cause you're younge_ r _, cause you're making me happy and it's scary to cross those boundaries._

Instead of speaking, he keeps quiet, he looks at him without a reply and Yoonoh seems to shudder a little, maybe scared but at the same times brave enough to get close, Johnny can't feel his breath hitching, he can't see his pupils dilate like this, he can't see how his lower lip is trembling and how he's completely caught in his gaze.

"We can't Yoonoh..."  
"Then why you look at me like that..." the hand around his t-shirt tightens, his body flushes while he pushes closer, and closer, chest to chest, their breaths so close he can feel it on his lips. "...why you let me sleep here with you? Why do you hug me like this? Why do you let your sons love me so much? Why Johnny?"

A lot of questions, but he can't answer, he doesn't know himself why he's letting him being a part of his life like this, why he's being so used to him being around them, now that he thinks about it his life would be so empty without him. It's a thought that ache in his head, that ache in his chest, so heavy and so silent at the same time.

Yoonoh's eyes are glossy, maybe he's about to cry, maybe his breath is heavier, maybe he's scared, maybe he's weak, maybe he's made of glass and Johnny is about to break him, because he's broken himself.

"Answer me, I beg you..." his voice breaks now and the older can hear his sniffles, can see the way he shoves his face in his chest, how Yoonoh's heart is beating so fast that it'd jump out of his rib cage, how his t-shirt wets because of that pure tears.

"I'm sorry..." is just a whisper, but it's enough to let Yoonoh cry even harder in his embrace.

This is how Johnny learns that two words can break someone.

___________________________

It's been three weeks and four days, John sighs looking at the empty seat next to him, Yoonoh didn't come to work anymore after that night, the man didn't try to contact him, it would hurt the latter even more and that would be unfair.  
He must've hurt him so bad that he decided to quit work, even tho he needed it so much, he's a jerk to put him in a situation like that.  
John's days have been like hell, going through shifts so long at work that he couldn't get his mind clear and ended up hiring a baby sitter for his sons, guilty builds up in him day by day and nights have become his worst nightmare.  
He doesn't remember the last time he slept well and peaceful, his kids are stressed as much as him, Jisung's been crying for two weeks in a row at night because he missed Yoonoh and John couldn't keep it anymore, cause it's affecting them even too much this loss.

It's affecting him to the point he would put his pride behind and call him, but his rational self keeps telling him that's wrong, he can't do this, he just can't call him and tell him how much his kids miss him, cause it's his fault to let him in his life so much, it's only his fault.  
He keeps doing mistakes, his life is turning into a complete mess, this isn't what he needed at all, to being affectionate to some guy that happened to feel something towards him, _he'll find better_ , that's true, he knows that he's not made for him, cause his heart is so cold, _I can't make someone happy, I can't even properly take care of my kids._

His hands-on the sink, his head between his shoulders, face dripping wet while he's trying to catch some breath, he thinks too much, he misses him too much, more than he'll ever admit and the pain that grows in his chest is there, ignoring his the best way to get rid, but it's suffocating, it's painful and every time he sees how his life is proceeding he feels like he's going to give up.

His dark circles grows bigger every day, his lips always a thin line, his jaw contract, trying to hold himself, trying not to let it show, as he was used before, nothing changed in his life, he's just aching more, he's just bleeding more, but his mind his blurry, he just feels the pain, that grows and grows.

Fist to the wall and blood on his knuckles, but he can't feel it, it doesn't care how much he's trying to make it disappear, it won't and he gives up now, his body moves as in autopilot, medication kit in his hands to bend his hand.

He takes the kids to school, he goes to work, papers in hands, it hurts to write now, it hurts as much as his chest and maybe it's the only way not to think about it, his apathetic feelings towards a boy that entered his life blossom unexpected into him, blossom and die, he wants them to die, to drown and never come back again.

Life it's a line that they walk on, it's straight, you can take opportunities that you can see as fruits, you can eat them or let them pass, you can take another path when there is a juncture, you can keep walking on your path, but there's no turning back, life is made of choices and he took all the wrong one, so many errors and he learned nothing, cause learning is difficult, more than anything and his whole existence is devoted to his sons, or it should be like that.

He feels selfish, he feels selfish while looking at his kids and he tries to play with them, tries to help them, but he's tired, so tired that sometimes his head is light and he needs to grab the first thing in front of him to stand on his feet, it's exhausting, but he can't give up.

"If you don't tell me what the fuck happened, I swear to God I'm gonna make a scene John Suh." Ten's voice is high pitched, is annoying and his headache is not making it less difficult. "Everyone is worried, can you please talk to us?" now it's a whisper and the sudden change makes him look at the boy next to him.

He can see his friend's face shudder, he can't see his own eyes, how empty they've become, he can't see his pale skin, he can't see anything, he just feel and feel and feel till the point he's paralyzed by his feelings, feeling no more, nothing left.

"You're scary."  
It's painful, sure it is, but he can handle it, so he smiles back, shakes his head and tell him that it's all okay, Ten stares at him, his worried face makes him feel even more guilty, so he ignores it and keeps working, working and working.

The silence raises in the room and no one dares to say more, they faced his way to be a lot of others time when it comes to pain, when it comes to saying what it's bothering him, but he's never the type to complain, he put it together and keep going, as anybody else in this life, he faces his problems and go on.

Night is his nightmare tho, tonight isn't different, the ceiling it's the more interesting thing to watch at 3:00 am while he's trying to catch some sleep, the moon's light crosses his curtains, he bites his lower lip, looks at the empty spot near him and he remembers the last time when he saw him, beautiful features looking at him with hope, those eyes full of something so deep that shouldn't stand in his life. Something in his chest blooms again, it expands in his whole body and takes his veins, his skin burns, lips part trying to breathe, but it's difficult, he can't say it out loud, but he starts to accept it, at this point he can't say anything more, because it's so obvious that denying only makes him ache more and more, it makes him feel numb.

"I miss you."

It's a whisper, but it seems like broking a spell cast upon his chest, it's blooming again now, with confidence this time and his whole body shiver, eyes wetting his pillow and muffled sounds escaping his lips while holding the sheets.

 _Let it out, let it out and it'll be better_ , he keeps tell.

Falling asleep it's easier like this, completely aware of his feelings, completely aware of being broken again, completely aware of being able to feel again.


	2. Giving my all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yoonoh squeezes his hand as if being able to read between his thoughts and Johnny smiles looking at him, moves Yoonoh's bang behind his ear, looking fondly at how the younger has that look in his eyes.  
> They both know, they both can feel it, they both can see it in each other gaze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!  
> here is the second chapter of my first story EVER in english.  
> it didn't take as much as I expected it to, so I'm kinda surprised by myself and I'm looking forward to write more!  
> WE HAVE SOME SMUT HERE GUYS.  
> enjoy!

Sun is up in the sky, high passing through his curtains, spring washing the streets with bright colors, trees blooming, a slightly warmer weather starting to create in the city, the streets seem to be more crowded, children like to play in the gardens, run around the parks and the entire place is filled with laughs. John keeps Jisung steady in his sit while riding his bicycle, Mark and Donghyuck racing in front of him, laughing their lungs off.

The green that approaches the Han river is a long trait, a walking passage and a riding one, Sundays are always relaxing and peaceful like this, they can breathe a less polluted air, with the freshness that comes from the water next to them, it feels like relieving their bodies after a lot of stress.

Mark laughs even harder when Hyuck does an odd expression and he stumbles on the grass, few more meters and he's falling, laughing as if this is the most fun things to do, his knees all bruised, but he doesn't seem to mind it, wiping away the tears in the corners of his eyes.

"Are you okay Hyung?" Donghyuck's voice is muffled by his giggles, reaching his hand to let his brother grab it to stand up again, but when they end up falling together even John starts to laugh and Jisung follows kicking his legs in the air.

"You two sure are a mess!"  
"You right dad, but what about we stop here for the picnic?"  
"Good idea, champion." John's hands fly to the belt that keeps Jisung from falling and set him free to run on the grass, the little ball of happiness laughs and jumps on his brothers embrace, little cute giggles while his sons play.

Once that's all settled finally, Mark searches for the food and give it to his little brothers, smiling at the way Jisung grabs his sandwich and does as amused face: "He likes them a lot, right dad?"  
"Sure he does, look at his face!"

It's been a little better the past few weeks, he's been so busy through work and his sons that his chest felt like it was time to wait to ache again, it did it at night, while he was alone, sometimes he just scrolled past some photos, some other times he let himself cry to sleep.  
It's strange how pain can somehow relieve you, how pain can make someone more conscious about the fact that everything happens because it has to, that everything has a place in this world and if some people enter and exit his life he can't do nothing about it.  
The hard part was to explain to the kids why Yoonoh didn't come anymore, but he chose to be honest with them saying that he didn't know himself where he's been, that maybe it happened something, some issue that made him unable to be in their life anymore, the kids didn't cry, but he's sure they got a little sad and upset about it, he well welcomed presence in their lives and their home.

The flow of his thoughts is interrupted when Jisung starts to scream next to him, John's eyes open wide at the sudden rise of voice, the younger one never been the type to suddenly break their eardrums like that, it was more a Hyuck's thing to do.

"What's up Sungie? Is it all okay?"  
"Hyuck! Sandwich!" the difficulty of saying the word and the pout on the little kid makes his heart melt and God if he's weak for his sons, but isn't that usual tho? Who can resist a beautiful, little, adorable baby when it comes to watery eyes and pouts? He's sure that there are people who can fight it, he just doesn't have a part in that category, too overwhelmed by even the simplest things.

"Dad, I ate his favorite by mistake..."  
"Ohw, don't cry Jisung, dad made a lot of them, look here!"

The laugh of happiness that escapes at the younger of them all is relieving to all of them, Jisung isn't spoiled at all, he's not a noisy kid, he's always quiet and calm, but when it comes to food he just can't control himself, he needs to be sure to eat what he likes, at least one thing that he likes in one day, otherwise he'll gladly make his dad feel guilty with that pout of his.

"I have never been so annoying with food!" Hyuck fights back at the sudden lack of attention in him.  
"You always eat pasta!" Mark laughs while shouting back.  
"What?! That's not true! Dad! Tell him that's not true!"  
"Mh, I think that Mark is half true." an annoyed noise escapes Donghyuck's lips and makes John laugh a breathy laugh. "But that' true, you don't eat only that, you're good with food."

"Mark doesn't eat vegetables! I do!"  
"I eat them! I just don't like spinach, ugh..." just saying the word makes the boy let a shiver come down his spine.  
"You should eat everything babies, it's important to be healthy."  
"Dad would eat even the table!"

Mark chokes on his soda and makes everyone laughs their lungs out, even the little Jisung is clapping his hands and laughing with them happily, the light breeze of the wind brushing their hair off their faces.

These are the moments of peace when he can enjoy his time with his family, his eyes scan the place around them and it feels cozy, relaxing, even tho there are a lot of people out and the streets are very crowded he finds it really peaceful, the whole place extends for so long he can't really see the end and maybe he doesn't want to.

How can someone never go out of their house? Sometimes he feels like suffocating in the thin walls that surround him, as his they're going to swallow him whole with his confused mind, with his sore body, with his aching chest, some other times they just remind him what it feels like to be lonely, to have to take care of things alone, without anyone's help.

"Ten!" Hyuck's scream makes him conscious that he closed his eyes while thinking, maybe the warmth taking over his body and making him feel sleepy.  
"Look who's here, hello boys." the kids run toward the Thai boy, grabbing his legs and waist, laughing and questioning a lot of things, like what is he doing here, why is he dressed like he just got out of the bed and why he doesn't kiss their cheeks. "Alright pests! All sit-down and me and my boyfriend will take place with you, happy now?"

The kids nod frantically and go take their previous seats, making Ten laugh a little, amused by how they're so easy to please, with the minimum attention they feel happy and maybe this is John's most luckiest trait about his sons.

"Hey Lucas, how you doing?" John smiles happily to see the other boy who takes a seat next to him, they squeeze their hands in a friendly way, before starting to chat a little.  
"Well, I work a lot and take care of him, days are going better lately, you? How are you doing with the babies?"  
"They're good children, I raised them well."

"Lucas!" Donghyuck runs to the tall boy, jumps to him and he grabs him just in time not to let him fall and get hurt.  
"How is my best boy doing ah?" Lucas's laugh makes the boy laugh, even more, wrapping his hands around his neck and resting his head on the older's chest.  
"Good! Dad brought sandwiches, they were good, but Jisung ate them all!"  
"Oh no, I wanted to taste it!" the longs fingers of the boy trace the little's head, reassuring him to make sure Hyuck understands he's joking and when the toddler giggles a little he relaxes on the grass.

"This weather is good, I waited for so long to be less gloomy."  
"The only thing gloomy here was your constant mood!" Ten's voice makes him scoff and roll his eyes, he's gonna get his eyes stuck before after for the times he gets to roll them because of him.  
"You're so annoying, I'm doing better!"  
"I see it and it makes me happy."

_Sure he's doing better_ , he tells himself, the thought of Yoonoh didn't disappear at all, maybe cause he didn't want to, or cause he was hoping for a comeback, but he's not so deluded, he knows too well this isn't going to happen, but he hopes it anyway, good things in life sometimes returns, as much as bad things, cause life can't be only pain, life can't be only stress.

It's absurd that a younger boy is making him learn something so important through pain and lack, it's absurd that he never figured it out that feeling isn't a guilt, feel isn't bad, it's just part of a human being, but for someone that got to act like a robot for almost two years isn't easy to get a hold of it. He isn't an automaton anymore, he feels like a human again, he feels his feelings spread across his whole body, the heat of anger, the blue of sadness, the smell of disgust, the shiver of fear and the sparkle of happiness.

He can feel them all again, he lets himself feel them all again and it's beautiful, he feels free again, he can breathe again.

___________________________

He's passing his fingers through Hyuck's hair, upper body naked and his sweatpants tossed in the angle of the bathroom, the shampoo is bubbling and Jisung keeps blow at the little bubbles in his hands, John's body is extended on the bathtub, trying to clean his kids and make them ready to sleep, it's already a little late, but he let skip the bedtime only because Ten and Lucas stopped by their house to have dinner together and played with the three toddlers a lot before going to their house.

Now that he thinks about it, Ten's been dating Lucas for so long now, months passed easily and he's not surprised at all when he got to know that they were going to live together, it's good to see them so happy.

He'd be a liar to say he's not envious, but not in a bad way, John hopes them for the better, hopes they'll get along till the end, they're beautiful together, he just can't get rid of pitying himself for being so lonely and let the only chance run away because of his insecurities.

"Dad, you're thinking as always."

Mark's voice brings him back to reality, he's zoning out a little bit than usual today, but he's aware that spring makes him a little dizzy, he's used to the feeling of want to do nothing if not lay in bad and sleep all day.

It's unexpected how the bathtime can be so relaxing, it's not usual to the three kids, to be so demanding while washing, but maybe they're tired too, a whole day full of games made them so tired they can't even fight the brutal water, Hyuck in first line over the fact that he doesn't like being full of soap while his dad scratches his scalp, he likes it as cuddle for sure, but not when it's bath time.

"Okay! All ready to bedtime."

They're all clean and he manages to take Jisung in his arms to put him in bed, he's the sleepiest one and goes in the world of dreams after putting him into the mattress, the man chuckles a laugh looking at his tiny hands clenching around nothing and the little fists raised near his temples.

He's adorable, it's all he can think about before giving him his goodnight kiss and leave to do the same with Hyuck and Mark, the ball of sunshine falls asleep faster than John could imagine, but Mark instead keeps his eyes open for a little more, squeezing his dad's hands, he's whisper something, but it's a little muffled by his sleepness: "What baby? I can't hear you..." his dad's whisper is thinner than everything, wake up the other two would mean an hell.

"I'm so happy dad..." Mark's voice rises enough to let him hear, long digits pass through his soft lock, scratches a little his scalp and John smiles widely.

"I'm happy to honey, to see you three happy."

Mark smiles before falling asleep under his attentions, he gifts him the goodnight kiss, before going to the bathroom, trying to make the bathtub and sink clean again, he's a little tired, but in a good way, a hot shower it's what he needs right now.

He tosses away his clothes in the dirty laundry chest, before pulling the shower and opening the water, it's hot and peaceful, it flows down his limbs, making his muscles relax a little, all the stress in his body relieving a little. John always had a good body, he always thought about the fact that his body is made to being watched, he's not a narcissist, but he's enough self-aware to look at the mirror and feel proud, he really hopes that his genes will be in his sons, mostly because he's a healthy man, he doesn't get sick often, his immunity system more than strong.

John pulls his hair backward, looking at his own body for a little, he's got fewer chances to workout, but he's still in shape and that's what matters, it's not about being attractive for someone, it's more about being in a good health, but maybe he feels a little scared when it comes to age and become old. Thoughts too deep for someone who's just washing himself, he brushes these thoughts off and finish his shower.

With a towel on his shoulder and sweatpants on he lets himself fall on his mattress, hair completely dry because it's too long to let it dry alone, it'll hurt his neck and that's the only part of his body that already has problems caused by his work.

He scrolls on his phone, getting into kakaotalk only makes him ache a little more, Yoonoh's chat stands there, in silence, without a single message till the last time they saw.

_How pitiful of you, not being able to let him a little message, to being completely honest with yourself_ , cause it's scaring to him, knowing how much he can put all the effort in not thinking about him, but at the end, the thought of him keeps peeping in his mind, if not when he's awake it's when he's sleeping.

He remembers the first-night Yoonoh entered his big house, how the kids ran to go greet their dad and ended up asking who was him, the young boy never once dared to seem annoyed by them, he took them to the couch and talked about why he was there and why John had to bring him home.

He remembers when he offered to help in the kitchen, easying the older from the weight of doing dinner, and God if Yoonoh was good at cooking, a lot better than him, even his sons cheered at the delicious food and those dimples deepened at the shower of compliments.

They became closer, and closer, Yoonoh stopped by Johnny's home more often, just because the older was a little tired and they could work together, but at the end, the reality was that they enjoyed being together, they enjoyed watching cartoons even when the kids were tucked in bed, they laughed hard at Tom&Gerry and even chose who was who.

They spent a lot of time talking on the couch, Yoonoh's head resting on Johnny's thighs, the long digits of the older on his soft lock, playing with the hair while listening or talking.

It was amazing, the time spent together, with all those little things, little gestures that made that time better, as Yoonoh took care of his sons, played with Hyuck till he was exhausted, helped Mark with his homework because he surely remembered the programs better than John did, fed Jisung while the baby was not having it and even persuaded him to eat what he didn't like.

Yoonoh was a part of his life, an important part of his life, he became without asking, maybe without even realizing himself, their lines were crossed from the first time he smiled too deeply at his sons, the first time he hugged him, the first time he entered his office and smiled at him so fondly.

Yoonoh was his line to cross, Yoonoh was the happiness he lost.

John doesn't realize at all his thoughts, too overwhelmed by the memory of the boy that made him smile after a long time and him being too stupid to see it.

He lets his finger touch the screen, they move on their own, he's not thinking at all, he can't see through his blurry eyes, he's used to cry a little when it comes to this specific problem, this specific struggle.

He wipes away some tears on the corner of his eyes, looks at the screen with steady breath, and exhales slowly trying to press the "send" button.

Tears slowly grow in his glossy eyes, his fingers shake while seeing at the text, he's scared, so scared that his chest aches again, his heart speed up in his rib cage, this can be his worst mistake, but at least, he tried.

John presses that damned button, exhales again and let his phone on the nightstand, covering himself up over his head.

**[Johnny]  
2:00 I miss you.  
** _seen_

___________________________

The sun filters through the curtains, a sunshine spread across his face and chest, filling the room with a welcoming warmth, he sighs slightly before brushing off his sheets, tries to recollect himself and rubs at his eyes searching for his phone, when he finds it the clock says: 9:00 am.  
John's eyes widen suddenly and he screams, he just screams.  
He can hear the little and fast steps till his room and Mark appears as if he just saw a ghost, probably he scared the shit out of his son with that scream.

"Dad, is everything okay?"  
"Oh God no, it isn't! I'm so late for work! You have to go to school and... and..."

The sudden memory of the last night hits him right on the middle of his chest and his jaw goes slack, he can't believe he really sent that message, he can't believe he fucked up everything again, a frustrated noise escapes his lips while his hands go straight to his hair and just grabs them as if he wants to rip them off.

He's about to have a nervous crisis in front of his son, before a familiar voice comes behind his kid's shoulders, for a moment he's scared for not knowing who's in their house, but the pale skin, the pinkish hair, that tall figure, the plump lips and those fucking dimples.  
He can't believe he's here, actually here, with him, with them, in his home.

"Dad is having a mental breakdown cause he doesn't know what rest is, go take care of Jisungie and Hyuckie, don't worry."

The way Mark just smiles at the older boy and go away makes Johnny even more shocked, he stumbles trying to get on his feet, he can see Yoonoh closing the door behind him.

It blooms in his chest again, it spreads in his entire body, as waves of beautiful warmth, as waves of fresh and new feeling, it blooms again and stronger this time, he aches, but he smiles.  
Johnny's hands wrap around Yoonoh's neck, he pushes him tight, shoves his face on his neck, breaths through his nose so heavy he's not sure if he can breathe anymore, it's overwhelming, getting to see him again, getting to touch him again, getting to smell his cherry blossom's scent again, it aches most beautifully, he tastes as bittersweet, he's nothing and everything, all he needs and all he doesn't.

Yoonoh's arms are wrapped around his waist, he holds him like he's scared he's going to go away again, as if both of them are about to get out of the air if they stay even an inch away.

"It got you months to be honest to yourself, you're such a stubborn."  
John laughs slightly, breathy, he laughs cause Yoonoh's voice isn't mad, he isn't mad at all, he's understanding, he's calm, he's nice, he's deeply fond of it.

"I'm sorry," he admits, he's trying so hard to hold himself back, but it feels wrong at this point, it feels wrong to let his pride come before his feelings. "I missed you every single day, I ached every single day, I thought I was a fucking idiot every single day, a fucking idiot that lost someone who could be his happiness."

Yoonoh's arms grow tighter when he feels his skin getting wetted by the older's tears, that's not wrong, not at all, what's wrong his the way Yoonoh is holding him, the way he's petting his hair, the way he's not upset at all with him being a fucking asshole, he's not angry with him, and it makes him angrier with himself, knowing how much of a beautiful human being Yoonoh is.

"I'm here now."  
"I don't deserve you-" he's about to say something more then Yoonoh grabs some locks of his hair, pulling them enough to lift his head and look at him in the eyes, black deep irises and pupils right into his.  
"Don't you dare Johnny, don't you fucking dare to say those words." it barely resembles a growl, a guttural sound that escapes Yoonoh's lips, Johnny can feel the sting at his scalp, the younger's hold doesn't seem to fade, not a little, a little whine of pain exit his throat, when he brings him near his face, too near. "I waited every single day for you, I've waited every day thinking about you, I'm not here to let you assume things and get all this messed up. Am I clear enough Mr.Suh?"

John would be a hypocrite to say that this isn't kind of turning him on, the way he's holding his head by the hair, the way he's telling him that it doesn't matter at all, he waited for him, only for him, that he wants to be here and nowhere else, it's overwhelming, but pleasurable and makes his knees melt, but that doesn't matter, he's not alone trying to get up, Yoonoh is holding him steady now.

___________________________

It's been difficult getting used to being together at work and in the private life as well, it's been difficult these past two months for them to get alone together, it's been difficult to learn how to work together properly.

They cleared their relationship and chose to let it happen by its own, without saying what they are, without trying to push thing where there is no need to, they've been just together since then, Yoonoh is living at his house now, that was a sudden move, but the younger couldn't afford to pay his apartment anymore since he left the work because of Johnny, who apparently found a way to have him back at work without the boss questioning more than what they expected.

They worked a lot, they had to get used to some habits and find a way in between not to being annoying each other.

Yoonoh's taking care of the kitchen, they're eating delicious food and no one wanna go back to the clumsy food of the elder, his kids seem to be the happiest in the world, they smile a lot more now that someone they love finally entered their lives fully.

Yoonoh is a presence that fills the room they're in, the missing spot near to Johnny is now complete, he can be the one to rest his head in someone else's lap, he can rest now while the other provides at minor things in the house, he can spend some times in his own needs. The boy keeps his contract as a part-time, someone to help him out, he does lighter shifts and gets home earlier, so that he can go get the kids at school and bring them at home.

Yoonoh is so responsible that the age difference became just a mere memory, Johnny can't think about the boy as a twenty-one years old, he's not that stupid or rebellious, he's composed, he's serious, but even childish when needed, most of the time when they're alone in their room, trying to tickle each other and breathy laughing to not wake up the babies.

Tonight isn't different at all, Yoonoh is trying to catch his breath, his chest going up and down slowly, while he rests with the back on the mattress and hair completely messy, some locks on his eyes, getting through his gaze, Johnny is above him, looking fondly at the boy who's changing his life for the better.

They talked about them, as much as they decided not to push or rush, they decided not to make each other uncomfortable, they haven't kissed yet, Johnny is never been with a boy before, he just can't understand when it's the right time to do something, when it's the right time to take a step forward.

Maybe because an answer doesn't exist at all, because Yoonoh's eyes are flying through his body as if he's the most beautiful thing to see, because he's biting his lips more than he should, cause his skin reflects the moon that sets aside, upon them, bright and huge, beautifully displayed on the blue night sky, but they're in a room, in those fucking four walls, body on body, their lips a breath away.

Johnny looks at him fondly, his gaze captures his eyes, they stare at each other, they share that little shiver that runs down their spine.

Just a breath away.

It's overwhelming, it's pleasurable, the way they part their lips, it feels like a year, it feels like they were meant to be here, right now, sharing the same breath, hearts pounding inside their chest, it's aching in the most pleasurable way ever.

They chase each other, no one taking the first step, Yoonoh's digits cups the older's cheeks, they travel to his nape, scratches his skin with affection, not a single touch is made to feel pain, not outside, not inside, he's trying to reassure him, to get him, to finally have him.

The breath that misses it's the same that they share, eyes flutters closed, lips again lips it feels like an epiphany to finally being like this, connected like this, Yoonoh tastes like peaches, they ate them after dinner, he tastes sweet, so sweet and soft that it seems to resemble his complete being.

Johnny parts his lips, let his tongue slide the younger mouth, Yoonoh whimpers, parts his lips to let the other take the lead, the grip on his hair intensifies, Johnny's breath hitch at the sudden pain, but he keeps kissing those lips, slow and deep, lovely and sweet, passionate but not rude.

They keep this pace, they savor every moment, of it, hands traveling to their side, grabbing into soft or tender skin, nails digging a little more than they should, teeth grabbing into lower lips.

They gasp for air, an inch away from each other lips, Yoonoh lick the edges of Johnny's mouth, wet and sweet, savors every inch of his skin, bite his lower lip and slide his tongue inside again.

The night is too short for them.

___________________________

He's finishing his shifts, his suit seems to be suffocating, he loosens the bow on his tie, opens two buttons while trying to pack his stuff, there's no one left in the offices, he's the only one to finish his shift this late, Ten helped him a little over his but ended up going to his home because he had to do groceries, as much as Yuta wanted to help, but Sicheng was busy with some major matter stuff and John isn't the type to beg for help.

He knows he has to finish those papers at home, but at least he can take a shower, hug his lover and his kids, eat well, and only then start to work again.

He's taking his car again now, Yoonoh bought his own so that they don't have to take shifts anymore and the kids were even too happy to see the boy with his new car waiting for them out of school.

Johnny opens his phone, fondly stares at the photo of Yoonoh with the kids in the car and he smiles, like sunshine, smiles again and it blossoms again in his chest, this feeling, he feels loved and it's the best feeling in the entire world, he wouldn't exchange it for nothing.

He drives on auto-pilot, enters the garage and tucks his phone on his pocket, head reclined to meet the elevator's wall, his eyes are dry, more than they should and he's reconsidering his choice to wear lens instead of his usual glasses, he doesn't sigh when opens his house's door, he can feel immediately the smell of food and the tiptoeing of his sons who runs to greet him.

"Daddy's home!"  
"Me first!" Hyuck screams while running with Jisung.  
"No me!"  
Johnny takes in his embrace both the little ones, smooching their cheeks and making them laugh, Mark, who's quieter than them, just wraps his arms around his dad's waist, smiling fondly with the chin on his abdomen.

"Yoonoh cooked your favorite." the sweet voice muffles when the kid shoves his face on the fabric of his shirt.  
"Oh, I see, is he in the kitchen?"  
"Yes! He's very busy with the food so..."

Johnny lets his kids go, but not before showering them with kisses, lets them play with their toys and watch the tv, he's sure the kids already ate and Yoonoh did his best to make them comfortable, he stretches his limbs while walking into the kitchen.

"Can I come in to greet my baby?"  
"You're so cheesy Johnny."

A breathy laugh leaves the older's lips, he enters completely the kitchen, closes the door behind them and wraps his hands around the younger waist, leaving light kisses along his neck and nape, shoving his nose in the short hair and breathing steady but lightly, it's the best feeling in the world, coming home to someone who's waiting for you, who's waiting for you and making food for you.

He was so used to it before that he didn't notice how much effort someone puts in something so simple, but he's not the same as before, even tho he always been a caring person, now, with Yoonoh in his arms, all he wanna do is protect this beautiful human being.

Long digits runs across his chest and stops in the point when he can hear his heart, he breaths at his pace, shoves his nose into his neck again and resembles the sound with his lips, it's just a whisper, but he's sure the other can hear it: Tu-tum, tu-tum, tu-tum.

"It's always been like this."

Yoonoh's voice break the silence, but not in a bad way, actually he starves every time he can't hear that beautiful voice of his, he noses at his nape again and leaves a kiss, then another one, and another, till Yoonoh is shivering underneath him.

"Stop it, idiot."

He can feel the wooden spoon smash on his head and a painful sound leaves his lips, but alongside with a laugh, he searches for his cheek now, kissing it above his shoulder and can feel Yoonoh's body tense to meet him, they lips meet now, softly embraced by their feelings.

"Is it always been so eager when I was near?"  
"Yeah, it was and is."  
"But why? I still wonder what you see in this old man."

Yoonoh raises an eyebrow and looks at him as if he said the dumbest thing on earth and maybe he thinks he did: "First of all, you're not old, you're twenty-nine, not forty."  
"Ugh, I forgot my birthday passed."  
Yoonoh rolls his eyes before facing him by turning around in his arms and shove him the wooden spoon again: "You're seriously an idiot, I already told you, I just fell for you cause the most beautiful human being ever, you're caring, you're sweet, you're an excellent father, not to mention how good looking you are."

It's Johnny's turn to roll his eyes, because he heard this confession even too many times, but his brain just can't connect the dots, he doesn't mind at all, maybe he just likes to hear those words out of Yoonoh's lips, so he smiles widely, before kissing those lips, not letting him time to breathe.  
Yoonoh wraps his arms around his neck, he pushes him closer, reclines his head to a side and eat his lips, they dance together, tongues shoved in their mouths, hand on waist and the sudden smell of burnt.

"Oh God! I fucking knew it, you're a tease John Suh look what you made me do!"

He burst into a heavy laugh before letting the younger do what he needed to do before.

They're seated on their couch, the kids are sleeping in their beds while they watch the tv in the living room, Johnny has his head rests on the younger's thighs, his digits in the older's dark locks, scratching his scalp a little, the papers left on the table alone, he'll take care of them tomorrow, too tired to be able to deal with them. His eyelids are heavy, trying to concentrate while watching the film Yoonoh suggested that morning, it's a habit of theirs, being on the couch at late night, light cuddles while watching the tv and enjoying a little of quality time together.

Johnny remembers when they started talking about their lives more specifically, it wasn't easy at all, they talked about specifics happening in their past, Johnny explained how he met his wife, they were young, but deeply in love and stayed together for almost ten years, it's a lot of time considering he was twenty-six when she died, their first child, Mark, wasn't planned at all, the first year was difficult, they had to face shame and regret by her parents, being able to live alone because no one wanted to help them, saying they were too immature to take care of a baby, but they proved them wrong, Mark raised well, a good kid who well behave, a responsible child that everyone love, it's impossible not to fall in love with his pure nature, his sincere smile and the way he cares about the people surrounding him, Yoonoh told him before that Mark got it all from him because Johnny is a caring person himself and maybe he just tries to be as his daddy.  
Yoonoh isn't wrong at al and Johnny knows it, but don't wanna admit it, he prefers to say that his son is special, that he's a champion.

Yoonoh knows, so he keeps quiet at the topic.

As much as Johnny talked about his family and his first pure love, who he thought would be his first and last, Yoonoh talked about his family, he was close to his parents until the day he came out as gay, they tried to convince him to go to a doctor or a church where he would be healed, they acted as if he was sick, as if it was the demon inside him telling these things, it was hell and Johnny could only imagine how he felt before, how much he suffered to their words and how difficult was to let everything behind his shoulder and run away from them. The first time they talked about that topic Yoonoh changed the things a little, he said his parents kicked him out, but that wasn't true, his parents loved him, he's sure about it, he's sure they care about him, but at the same time their closed and little minds wouldn't allow them to take proper care of his son, so he ran away, he started working and gain money by himself, staying over to a friend till he was able.

His birthplace was Busan, not Seoul, and when he came to the big metropolis he thought that it might be his savior or his killer.

___________________________

Yoonoh whines a little when his back finally hits the bed, relaxes his tense muscles and bring the other with him, caged by Johnny's arms and legs, he smiles fondly at the older, grips the back of his neck and bring him closer, lips crash together and fingers intertwine each other, they hold like this while dancing together, it's passionate, a little wet, the way Yoonoh's tongue licks inside Johnny's mouth, the way his nose brushes the other's skin, the way their hair is on the way and they push it away.

Little wet noises escape from their lips, Yoonoh opens his mouth more and it's the older to take the lead, guiding his lips on the others, his traces a wet line till the jaw, kisses every inch of his pale skin, wets it with his saliva, it seems to shine under the moonlight, John's kisses press into the side of Yoonoh's neck, teeth grabs at the soft skin, sucks it and leaves marks all over his Adam's apple, licks a stipe of saliva till his chin and shove the tongue again in his mouth, a moan leaves Yoonoh's lips and sends tons of shivers down Johnny's spine.

"You're shivering..." Johnny's voice is a whisper, he lets it breathing on Yoonoh's lips, their eyes meet, lust in both of them while looking in each other's gaze, their lips are wet and it's so intense, even this kind of staring.  
Yoonoh's hand tightens on the other's grip, he reaches for the older's lips, brush them together, but when the man opens his lips the boy just whisper: "Let me shiver under your touch..."

It's demanding, but sweet, the way he licks at his lower lip, the way he grabs it with his teeth, they kiss again, feverish this time, they lick in each other mouths, hands chase their clothes, Yoonoh's fingers wrap at the base of Johnny's shirt and helps him tuck it off his head, tossing the fabric out of the bed.

Yoonoh's gaze scan every part of him, as much as his hands, he places them to his chest, bring them up to his shoulders and let the smooth and tender skin under his fingertips, his eyes laced to that body, he wanted to caress him for so long now that the urge is building up in his stomach and the heat is making his blood rush between his legs, but it's not what this is about, it's not what they're about, it's not sex, they're making something else, something that smells like happiness. Yoonoh smiles, going downwards with his hands, tracing John's abs with his digits, scratching lightly at the skin under his nails, making the older curse a little, he's sensitive, as much as him probably: "When was it?"  
"Almost three years ago."

Yoonoh hums in response, he doesn't want to push wrong buttons now, it's not what they need, he goes upward with his hands now, cupping his cheeks in affection, Johnny looks at him, they spend a lot of time staring at each other, it's their behavior, maybe because it's easier to look in someone else's eyes than let that someone talk, it's better to get to understand each other like this.

Johnny smiles at his care, kisses his palms slow, gesture him to raise his back so that he can tuck away his shirt, both of them now tossed away, John's eyes look at him the exact same way Yoonoh's eyes do, he stares fondly and heavy traces his hand down his belly and up his chest, let his palm rest at the height of his heart and listen again, in the silence of the night it seems to beat even faster, Yoonoh's cheeks redden alongside with his ears and Johnny's heart races, he laughs breathy and deeply fond of him: "You're beautiful, there's nothing to be ashamed of."  
"It's you, you're too much."

They kiss again, all tongue and teeth this time, they make it wetter, hotter, Johnny's lips drag to Yoonoh's chest this time, traces strings of saliva on his skin, breathing heavily on the tender spots, till he reaches his nipples, he wraps them with his lips, breathy noises escape Yoonoh's lips, finger between his teeth where he can bite to hold back a little.

Johnn's tongue licks at the sensitive spot, suck on it, make it swollen and hard, pinching the other with his thumb and index, he can feel the younger's voice raise a little every time he sucks them and rolls his tongue around them, leave a last lick before looking at Yoonoh again, his hair messy and breathe heavy, his chest goes up and down slowly but intense.

"I wanna make a mess out of you."

Johnny's words hit exactly where is needed, because Yoonoh keens at the thought of it and his dick throbs in his pants, aching to be free, he feels like it's the first time someone is touching him, even tho he's not a virgin the older's touches are like fire on his skin, they burn and ache in pleasure, make him shiver and shudder under his breath, this all is pleasurable and extremely exciting, the way John's hands work on the lace of his pants, the way Yoonoh has to rise his hips to let the older get off his clothes and suddenly he feels embarrassed, it isn't the first time he's naked under his eyes, but it's the first time he's so hard between his legs and Johnny can see how much he turns on this poor boy.

The man doesn't dare to say a thing, just sighs before licking at Yoonoh's lips, their lips crush together, they build up a slow and lazy kiss while John's hands grab the younger's knees and opens his legs, spreading his limbs under him, Yoonoh moans in his mouth, arms wrapping his neck and squeezes his eyes, ears red and goosebumps all over his body when Johnny takes his place between his legs.

Yoonoh breathe on his lips, moans and scratches the older's back, he wanted this for so long, he waited for this for so long that his excitement is over the stars, the way Johnny is so caring even in bed makes him wanna cry, wanna grab his hair in his grip and push him down for a kiss and he does, they kiss again while the older starts to rub his erection against the other's one.

They both moan in each others mouth and share a little understanding smile, they both wanted this for a long time, to feel loved.

Last clothes get off their bodies, lips chase better and they rut against each other, it's not like Johnny's used, Yoonoh is strong, is well build-up, is young and full of energy, responds to his actions in a delicious way and his voice, if he could he would listen to it every day, the way he keens, the way he moans and tries to hold back not to wake up the kids. Johnny might be the worst dad in the world, but the idea of him fucking into Yoonoh so strong that he can't hold back and moan till waking up the kids, makes him shiver, but tonight isn't the right night to think about these things.

John's back is against the headboard, legs spread and Yoonoh bend between them, he's massaging the older's shaft with slow movements of his wrist, digits closed around the length and tongue leaving kitten licks on the head of his erection. Johnny's hand grips the younger's hair, it isn't to keep him from moving, it's just to relieve the need to be touched, to feel more: "I haven't done this in a while."

Yoonoh's breath hits right on his burning skin, making the older let out a low noise, straight from his throat. The kitten licks become deeper and filthier, with Yoonoh's tongue tracing the back of his erection, lips wrapping the head of his cock and sucking on it, John's eyes would roll up if he wasn't staring at the way that pretty lips are around him, at the way Yoonoh's head bobs up and down slowly, taking half of his length in his warm mouth, it's more than he can handle, but tries not to get overexcited by this view, so he closes his eyes, let his head rests on the headboard and breath hard in his lungs. A deep moan escapes his throat when Yoonoh's head slides completely down and Johnny can feel him gag a little alongside his nose brushing his navel, the view is unbearable now, the way he's deep throating completely his length is a view he didn't expect for tonight. Yoonoh raises his eyes to meet the older's glassy ones, they stare and the younger's tongue moves a little before pulling away with the most filthy sound Johnny ever heard, strings of saliva connecting his cock to the younger's mouth, chin completely wet from saliva and precum, Johnny never saw something more beautiful.

"You're fucking filthy but beautiful."

The giggles that rises from the younger's chest are expected, as much as him placing his legs at the side of Johnny's lap, sitting on it and grinding his butt against his hard cock, Johnny grips his waist, digits so pressed that will be bruises on the pale skin tomorrow. Their lips crush together again and Johnny pushes Yoonoh on the bed, back relaxing a little now, the man can feel his taste on the younger's lips, but he keeps savoring them, licking into his mouth, hands still on his waist, Yoonoh's hands gripping at his shoulders, scratching the tender skin and moaning on the other's mouth.

"Turn around, on all fours for me baby."

Yoonoh shivers at his request but accomplishes that, he moves his body till he's on all four, his butt out to let the older see, he can hear rummage sound and lift his head over his own shoulder to see Johnny struggle with the bottle of lube, trying to open it, it's hot and adorable to see that he thought about buying these things on his own, without asking him, so that none of them would feel pressured by this. When he finally succeed sets the bottle aside and Yoonoh is perplexed at first, then he realizes what Johnny is about to do and his whole body trembles when the older's hands grab his buttcheeks to spread them apart showing the ring of muscles, skin tender and pink, all cleaned just to let him see, Johnny scoffs a laugh and pats at his thighs, leaving a string of kisses on Yoonoh's cheeks: "You cleaned well waiting for me?"

Yoonoh is blushing, more than he should and doesn't have the guts to answer that question, hiding his head between his shoulders, Johnny seems a little annoyed by that, hitting his cheek palm open, the little sting makes the younger moan, before the long digits grab his cheeks spreading them apart again: "I think I asked you something, kitten."

Yoonoh's covered in goosebumps at the pet name, at the slap he was given and the pleasure building harder in his stomach: "Yes Johnny, I did."  
"Good boy." it's his answer at the confession before shoving his tongue alongside between the younger's cheeks, he licks his hole, wetting with strings of saliva his nerves.

Yoonoh moans high pitched and curses against himself, he let his upper body fall on the mattress, teeth closed around the sheets trying to muffle the sounds that escape his lips, his ass completely in the air, Johnny's eyes fly to his body, to the beautiful stretch he's in, the shape of his muscles, his back arched beautifully like that, hands gripping the sheets, he can't take it anymore.

He licks the string of muscles, eat him out with obscene noises escaping his lips, wet skin against wet skin, Yoonoh relaxes after a while and keens when Johnny's able to shove his tongue inside of his rim, fucking into him with his wet muscle, the younger's thighs shiver and pleasure builds up in his stomach till the point he feels like spilling on the sheets, his hand reaching for Johnny's hair to grab, he doesn't have the strength to pull him away, it's just to let him know that he's near, but Johnny's tongue keeps fucking the pleasure out of him and Yoonoh is required to talk: "Hy-Hyung stop it...! I'm gonna... cum!"

Yoonoh feels his orgasm build up in his stomach, but when he's about to spill on the sheets without being touched Johny's tongue leaves him, he drops on the bed shakily, panting while searching for air.

"Good boy, you need to talk to me, got it?" Yoonoh's answer with a yes and Johnny smiles, caressing his hips, making him point his knees again on the sheets. "You were about to come without being touched, that's hot, you know that?" Yoonoh is blushing again, but good for him the older can't see it if not because of his ears. "You're beautiful."

Yoonoh shivers under his touch, the way he feels exposed to him and the way is Johnny who keeps him steady, cause his hips are shaking too much, and his thighs are like gelatine, Johnny's hands open the bottle of lube, let's a generous amount of liquid on his digits and starts stroking them to warm it up a little, before pointing his middle finger at his entrance, his heart races, even more, he never did something like this, he's new to this experience, he only spent a lot of time watching pornos to learn what to and not to do, but they weren't so useful, so full of bullshits like every hard video, it wasn't real at all and ended up searching and reading about it, but now he's feeling pressured and his finger only massages the younger's muscles, not putting in.

Yoonoh seems to sense the tension building up in him and grabs at his hand tightly and comforting, tries to look over his shoulder only to meet Johnny's gaze and smile fondly: "I know you won't hurt me."

These may be the words that do the trick, cause the older breaths again and push his finger in, slowly, till the last knuckle, Yoonoh exhales through his nose, it's been a while even for him, Johnny doesn't dare to move, feeling his finger completely wrapped by the younger's walls, it kind of arouses him more, when he feels him clenching it's even worse, he gasps a little and Yoonoh lets a breathy laugh, muffled by the sheets.

"Do you like what you see?" his voice is breathy, trying to relax around him more, trying to let him set a pace.  
"More than you can imagine."

He doesn't dare to say more, but starts to pull out and in his finger, the reaction he gets goes straight to his cock, the younger mewls under him, moaning slightly at the sensation and he sets a pace with his finger, pushing inside of him and feeling his muscles going lax: "More."

Yoonoh is demanding, but is needed now, he needs a guide to get this right and hurt him, Johnny slips out his finger just to insert two of them now, Yoonoh can feel the stretch now, his rim going tight, but he breaths and tells the other to keep going to the previous pace, slow but intense, and so John does, stretching the boy underneath him.

His little noises makes Johnny's mind dizzy, then he tries what he read about, starting to scissor him, Yoonoh trembles a little and gasps for air, hand still holding on the older's wrist, as if scared he would go away: "Curl them..."

When the latter does as said the boy become a ball of moans and shivers, his thighs shake and his little curse come from his chest to his lips without even thinking, Johnny is blessed, he can't think straight seeing him like this, his erection red and pulsating between his legs throbs at this wonderful view.

It's just one more finger before Yoonoh declares that's enough and turns on his back, facing the man on top of him, a wide smile opens on Yoonoh's lips, along with that emotion that blooms again in Johnny's chest, it's delightful the way Yoonoh opens his legs, spreading for him, the way he opens even his arms, wait for him and turn his head to the side to let him have every inch of that beautiful body.

Johnny leans down between his arms and legs, kisses him with passion, all lips and tongue, till he grabs his erection, hissing at the sudden pleasure mixed at the pain, spurts other lube on his length and strokes enough to make it warmer before lining himself to Yoonoh's entrance.

"Is it okay baby?"  
"Wonderful, Johnny."

They're panting together, chests going up and down, completely connected, sweat that starts to fall from Johnny's forehead, arms at side of Yoonoh's head, heavy breathing, it stings, it stings a lot, but the tears that gather at the corner of the younger's eyes aren't because of the pain, they're because of how overwhelmed he feels, he can feel it too, the sensation that blooms inside of him, making his whole body shiver and the heavy feeling that spreads in his chest, in his limbs, in his whole body, it's terrifying and pleasurable as well.

It has a name that both of them are scared to tell, scared to admit, but it feels like that.

They smile, Johnny kisses the younger's cheeks, lick away his tears, and whispers reassuring words to his ear, making Yoonoh shiver under his breath. The pace they set is slow, Johnny's hips move slow and deep, letting Yoonoh feel every inch of him, he's panting, biting his lips trying not to moan too loud, his whole body mixed in pleasure and pain, Johnny's cock filling him up so good and his lips all over his neck, his chest, his face, the older is everywhere inside him, around him, upon him.

"Faster..." it's a light request, he grips the older's shoulders when his thrust intensifies.

Skin to skin, the noise they make is filthy, it's lustful, their minds are fogged with the blinding pleasure and it's hard to hold themselves back, Johnny's hands slip on the back of Yoonoh's knees, bends him in half, legs to chest and his rut become faster, harder, going back inside of him with hart thrusts, Yoonoh's voice raises and he can't keep quiet anymore, he screams at some point, when the older hits his prostate and Johnny need to kiss him.

Yoonoh's nails digging his back, scratching hard, leaving red stripes on the olive skin, his head is light by the pleasure he's feeling, spreads his legs more, trying to gather more friction, to feel him better inside of him, he feels full in every way with Johnny buried inside of him and deep in his chest his name.

"It's good... It's so good..."  
Johnny lets the other's leg slip to the front of his elbow, bending him even more when positioning his arms back near Yoonoh's head, hips thrusting right when he needs, touching parts of the boy that makes the other shiver, squirm underneath him, Yoonoh mewls when a hard thrust makes his whole body shake, legs trembling because of the pleasure and it feels so right, being like this, it feels so right even with the hair stick to his forehead and it feels even more right when Johnny push them away to look at him in the eyes.

Yoonoh has parted lips while watching at his lover, how he's sweating, his long lashes and eyelids heavy and he's so beautiful that he feels about to come, he whines when Johnny begins to thrust on the right spot.

"Fuck, there!" his whole body tenses up, back arching at the sudden pleasure, lips completely parted now, saliva sliding on his chin and eye squeezed.  
"Do you like it there?" Johnny's voice is low and raw, he licks away the shiny fluid on Yoonoh's chin, biting down to his throat when his legs pressure to close.

The older pistons inside of the tight heat of Yoonoh, making him squirm, keen and moan out loud, he lets him do it all, hips becoming erratic the more his pleasure builds up in his stomach, feeling the orgasm near.  
"I'm about to come baby boy..." his breath on his lips, Yoonoh moans even louder, chanting Johnny's name as a mantra, digging his nails on his back till the point it hurts, but the older doesn't complain, it's part of the pleasure.

Yoonoh's limbs shake in a way that makes him wonder when was the last time he felt this overwhelmed, his cock throbbing with precum, red and hard between his legs and it hits him, Johnny wants him to come untouched, the thought alone makes him even weaker, his whole body shaking when the orgasm hits him, Johnny's name on his lips.

Johnny watches him going through his pleasure, he fucks into him till the last drop and keep his knees parted when he's oversensitive, his walls clenching around him.  
"Come inside." it's demanding the way Yoonoh's voice tell him to spill inside of him, it's filthy, but it's so sweet, his cheeks bright red as much as his neck, ears, tears at the corner of his eyes and that' enough, or maybe it's too much.  
Johnny releases his pleasure inside of him with a last hard thrust, balls deep inside him, and Yoonoh clenches around him, taking every drop of his pleasure inside of him, whining at the sensation of the hot liquid creating stripes in his walls.

It's overwhelming and they're so fucked out, so tired, Johnny collapses next to him, sliding out slow and Yoonoh curses at the oversensitiveness of his skin.

They stay like this, tired and relaxing, Yoonoh rests his head on top of Johnny's chest until the older goes to the bathroom to grab a wet towel to clean Yoonoh.  
"Tomorrow we need to take a shower baby."

Yoonoh answers with a hum, eyes already closed and completely relaxed, he's sleepy and doesn't take long before he's tucked under the sheets, with Johnny's hands wrapped around him, pushing him near, so close that someone wouldn't be able to see when their body starts and finish, so close with every part of them.

Johnny brushes their nose together and leaves little pecks on Yoonoh's lips, the boy giggles under those sweet attentions.

"I love you." Yoonoh's breath hitches for a second, opening his eyes to look at him fondly, a pure smile opening on his lips, dimples showing, and Johnny loving it.  
"I love you too."

They fall asleep like this, with a steady breath and full heart.

___________________________

Holding hands while walking down the green while his kids play in front of them isn't what Johnny was expecting the last years when he met Yoonoh for the first time, he didn't expect his life to change so much, he didn't expect to see a so pure feeling born between them and he's sure that maybe even Yoonoh wasn't expecting all of this, but they're both more than pleasured by what faith decided them to be.

Ignoring the stares people give them was difficult before, because the age difference is visible sometimes, as much as the facts that they're two men and Johnny has three little children, it's been difficult at first to ignore them, but the more they got together, the simpler it got them to be just themselves, if someone is unhappy with their being, they can just look away.

Johnny's finger tightens in Yoonoh's grip, he turns to face the man next to him, smiling widely, dimples showing and eyes sparkling, oh they can feel it, it blooms again, in both of their chest and it's warm, it's relaxing.

They share a light kiss, just a peck, before Hyuck is running towards the big blanket displayed on the grass where their friends are waiting for them.

Lucas grab Hyuck just in time: "Here comes the little muddler!"  
Mark follows with Jisung's hand in his, going straight to Yuta and Sicheng, cause he knows that Jisung wants to be taken between the Chinese boy arms.

"Sissi!"  
Yuta bursts into a laugh listening to the name the kid gave to his boyfriend, it was just hilarious enough to make everyone start to laugh with him: "I can't do this! Sissi!"  
"Stop it, you idiot, only Jisungie can! Right baby?"  
"Right!"  
"You heard!" Sicheng is pouting a little and that makes the Japanese lean on for a sweet kiss, making Hyuck go all "ew" and stuff.

Ten scoffs a little saying that one day he'll not think this is gross, one day he'll do that more than often and this is when Johnny interrupts.  
"Enough, he's little for that."  
Ten's mocking always gets on his nerves, but in a peaceful anyway.

They all share the same blanket, stay like this, all crowded to laugh together, and spend some time on a hot Sunday is the better way to feel like his life is turning for the better.  
Johnny knows that it'll last long, cause he fought so hard to get what he owns, cause he can't even think about letting go all this peaceful scenario they're all in, his friends, his kids and the person who stole his heart to put it again together, to glue the pieces with gold and treasure it.

This is where they all were meant to be, together, smiling, laughing, spending some time just to relieve themselves, not thinking about what future expects from them, cause the present is the nearest certainty they can embrace, they live now.

Yoonoh squeezes his hand as if being able to read between his thoughts and Johnny smiles looking at him, moves Yoonoh's bang behind his ear, looking fondly at how the younger has that look in his eyes.

They both know, they both can feel it, they both can see it in each other gaze.

The sparkles of happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU FOR WHOEVER READ TILL THE END.  
> i'm so happy I feel like crying, why am I a crying baby? ugh.  
> anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH for the time spent on this, for all the love and support that someone might leave with a comment of a kudos I'M HAPPY WITH EVERY LITTLE THING.
> 
> thank you again for reading my story ,__,  
> look forward to more on my twitter acc!
> 
> [twitter acc](https://twitter.com/bluemoontvs)

**Author's Note:**

> i wanna thank who read this far into my story, i hope you liked the first part and you'll wait for the second one to be out!  
> i put a lot of effort in this and i'd like to see what you think about it ;___;  
> so if you want please leave a comment and share this story from my twitter acc!
> 
> [twitter acc](https://twitter.com/bluemoontvs)


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